Shatter My Universe
by RandomKiwi
Summary: This is a story of a dropped world... A friend, who is also an enemy. A love who is also a foe. Told from L's point of view, it describes forbidden love, betrayal, and most of all, a shattered universe.
1. Chapter 1: Longing

I sat in front of my computer monitor, my eyes drooping with the heaviness of no sleep. It had never gotten to me before, so why was it happening **now? **

_Maybe this is a sign that Kira has found me…. No, isn't it too soon? Only a member of the task force could find me… Besides, Near doesn't know about the Death Note or Shinigami. He is my successor… If he knew about it, would he kill me so he could be the next L? And Light-kun... My friend. My **first **friend. He cannot be Kira. It would break my heart..._

I shook my head, ridding my mind of any thoughts on the subject and popped another strawberry into my mouth. The sweet juice of it exploded on to my tongue as I ate the last one in the bowl. "That's a shame…" I muttered to myself, swallowing the once glorious fruit and taking a sip of my sweet tea. "Needs more sugar," I mumbled, dropping in a handful of sugar cubes in the mug and stirring it with my spoon until it was throroughly mixed.

"Light-kun is here, sir," Watari's voice echoed in my right ear. He took away the now empty bowl that used to hold strawberries, now marked with red juice; the remnants of the fruit once overcrowding the small area.

"Yes, yes. Bring him in right away, Watari." I placed my cup down on the coaster in front of me and turned my head at the sound of footsteps.

"Ryuzaki, why the urgent call? It's two in the morning. Don't you ever sleep?" he asked, an irritated manner in his voice.

"No. Sleep is the least of my worries. I will work 24 hours a day, every day, until I solve this Kira case…._Even if it kills me._"

"Hmph. Let's get this over with then. You know, I have stuff to do. I have a life…" he glared at me. His words stung, another needle pricking my heart after every pause. "Unlike you. How can you live, sitting in front of that computer screen all day, eating all those sweets. I'm your first friend, and you're like – what? – 24?" he closed his eyes in frustration.

"Light-kun, there is no need for your unnecessary insults. Even if you consider me a threat, or an enemy, we must work together to solve this case. Millions of lives are at risk here. Once Kira is defeated the-" There it was. The alarm in his eyes… That little red tint in his irises that he always acquired when discussing Kira's defeat. There was a long silence.

"Are you alright? You seem to have been thrown off by what I've said. Is there something wrong?" I leaned in closer to him, studying him in excruciating detail, noting the slightest twitch of his left hand and red tint in his eyes.

"Ryuzaki, why do you keep going on like we will catch Kira? This isn't as easy as most of your past cases. You're putting yourself at risk of dying. What if we don't catch Kira? What if he gets to you before you get to him?" he blinked and stared into my eyes coldly, showing what I believe was fake concern.

"Ah, so you are worried about my well-being. I assure you, unless Kira is within the task force, I will not die. Only the few people who meet within this headquarters know my face. My name rather… That shall remain a secret. So I suppose even if Kira was among us, he couldn't kill me because of his lack of knowledge about me. If he does not know my full name, I presume he will not be able to end my life." I slowly took a forkful of my cake, gently holding the handle of the fork between my pointer finger and thumb. Others see this as odd, but it is the most logical way to eat.

"WILL YOU STOP THAT! GOD _DAMMIT_! YOU THINK EVERYTHING'S GOING TO WORK OUT! IT'S NOT! YOU _KNOW_ KIRA WILL KILL YOU AND YOU'RE DENYING IT!" His nostrils flared with rage; he gritted his teeth.

I held up my finger. "Please do not shout at me. At these early hours, the last thing we need is for you to start a riot."

He was fuming. "You, Ryuzaki, are one SAD case. AGH!" he paced quickly to the exit, knocking over a table on his way there.

"Light-kun," I called, not turning away from my computer.

"What?" he hollered.

"My birthday is tomorrow. I am turning 25," I sipped my tea calmly.

"Great for you, Ryuzaki. Maybe I'll get you some cake," he shook his head angrily and stomped out.

"Yes… That would be nice. Thank you," I couldn't help but smile. I heard the door shut as he left. I let out a sigh, which was more of a whimper. "My friend cannot be Kira…" I was thinking more than that.

_My friend._

_But we are more than friends._

_That is what I hope for._

_Breathing as one._

_Being as one._

_That is what I long for._

_No,_

_That's what I need._


	2. Chapter 2: A Cake Will Not Suffice

Shatter My Universe Chapter 2: A Cake Will Not Suffice

Sure enough, he was back in a few hours, a large paper bag in his hands. "Come in," I called. The click of the door echoed through the room along with his footsteps, approaching me. My heart was racing.

_Calm down. It is just Light-kun; he comes every day. Only now he has… A gift._

He set the back down in front of me, grinning. "Happy birthday, Ryuzaki!" He hugged me tightly. I held my breath, determined not to let my face turn red. I'm pretty sure it did anyway. "I would sing, but… well… I don't have the best voice in the world."

_Sing, sing!_ I wanted to say. _And if you cannot sing, just the sound of your voice screaming my name would suffice…_ I rid my mind of these absolutely atrocious thoughts… At least, they were supposed to be atrocious. They just made my heart yearn for him even more.

"Oh? And what's this?" I picked up the bag carefully, weighing it in for size. "Could it be?" I let a grin crawl across my face as I opened the bag, pulling out a huge slice of cake. _A giant slice of heaven is more like it._ I thought. "Thank you, Light-kun. It means a lot to me that you remembered." I stared up into his milky red-brown eyes. It seemed as though that red tint wouldn't go fully away, as if he was always thinking about Kira… The Death Note and Shinigami that he doesn't know I have the knowledge about. _Note to self: _ _I have to thank Matsuda for discovering these key bits of information._

"Is that all?" I asked, a bit disappointed. I was hoping for a kiss, anything. I wanted him and nothing more; nothing less.

"Uh, yeah, Ryuzaki. Is something wrong?" he asked, standing awkwardly too close to me.

"No, no. Everything is fine. Thank you once again for your generosity." He turned to go.

"Light-kun?" I asked, lifting up my fork.

"Yes?" he turned, a look of curiosity glinting in his eyes. _His beautiful eyes… Mesmerizing…_

"Would you like some cake?" I asked.

"This is oddly out of character for you, Ryuzaki…." He paused, smiling. "But yes, some cake would be nice." He strolled over and sat down next to me.

"I'm afraid I've only got one fork at the moment," I smiled mischievously. "You wouldn't mind if we shared it, would you?"

"Mm…." he stared at me. I felt a glimmer of hope pass through me. Maybe he was interested in me. "No problem at all."

As an old friend of mine used to say, _'Let them eat cake.'_ Ah, yes. The delights of a freshly baked cake. I'd much rather grant myself with the bliss of a kiss; the closeness of an embrace. Just a measly affair of holding hands would make my birthday the least bit more enjoyable.

_A cake..._

_A mere cake cannot provide_

_The basis of faith I need._

_I need something more._

_Something exciting._

_Oh yes,_

_A cake will not suffice._


	3. Chapter 3: What To Become of This

Shatter My Universe Chapter 3:

_I haven't always loved Light-kun. It's not as though he walked right into my life and I immediately started to gain interest in him. It was slowly and gradually over time. I haven't the slightest clue why I haven't felt like this about anyone else before when I used to visit Wammy's or work with others on various cases such as the L.A. Murder Trials. Something about Light-kun just clicked inside me; like a key opening a padlock. As if he had solved a case inside of me…_

_He probably knows more about me than anybody else, except Watari, which makes me fear the fact that he might be Kira even more. Though there are no records of my name and face anywhere, I still have to be cautious around him; which is by far the GREATEST challenge I have faced, even over the Kira case. Just knowing that there is the smallest chance that he may be Kira, a meager 5%, weighs me down. If I am to die soon by Kira's hand, it would destroy my heart if it turned out to be true._

_**If Light-kun were Kira, I would surely never love a soul again.**_

After finishing the cake, he threw the bag and plate away.

"That cake was delightful. I must ask; where did you get it?" I looked at him, awaiting his response.

His cheeks reddened a bit. "I made it, Ryuzaki."

"Made it?" I was hypnotized by his chiseled features, the set of his jaw, the sound of his voice. I didn't notice the stupidity of my question.

"Yeah… Made it. As in, put some eggs, mix, oil, and water in a bowl. Mixed it, put it in the oven for a while, and frosted it." He seemed a bit annoyed with me.

"Ah, I didn't know you baked."

"It's not something I usually do. Today was an exception," he sat back down next to me, his hand brushing against mine as he reached over me to get my tea cup. "Mind if I try some?" I knew Light-kun would find it sickeningly too sweet, but I nodded, letting him advance to take a sip.

"How can you live with so much sugar?" he paused, smiling a bit. "I guess you are what you eat, Ryuzaki."

My face turned bright crimson and I looked up at my computer monitor, pretending to read more about the Kira case. "I suppose, although only I wouldn't know. I've never had some one call me anything remotely similar to…" _He just did… He called me… __**sweet.**__ But his intentions are questionable… He's played around like this before… But that red glint in his eyes… It's surprisingly little today. He must be telling the… truth._

"Well, I'll see you later, Ryuzaki. Misa wants me at her photo shoot for some overrated teen girl magazine." He walked out without another word.

_I feel as if it's taking forever for something to happen between us._

_Something special._

_Something new,_

_Something._

_A happening that will make my smiles last a million years._

_But alas,_

_Not a chance of occurring._

_My hopes_

_My dreams_

_My fantasies._

_Vanish without a trace._


	4. Chapter 4: Worthless

**I feel horrible about leaving you in the dark for so long. I know this won't make up for it. Sorry for the poor quality. It's tough with so much going on all at once. I hope you enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR THE CHARACTERS ASSOCIATED WITH DEATH NOTE. IT IS THE SOLE PROPERTY OF TSUGUMI OHBA AND TAKESHI OBATA.**

It's been weeks since the Kira case had started, and I still had gotten nowhere. It was like running in circles. You work so hard, but you end up back where you started. Night after night I would stare at my computer monitor, eyes drooping and heavy, searching for a lead that would never come. A lead that might bring me that much closer to ending this madness. To finally put work aside for a bit, something I hadn't done since I was very young and wreckless.

I began to lose faith; not only with the case, but with Light. It was dull and brainless to even dream of a future with him. But I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Somehow I was still convinced he loved me. Somewhere buried deep, under his hard shell… There must have been some compassion towards others.

Focusing became near impossible whenever he was around. Just hearing his footsteps from across the room or his voice echoing down the hall would give me goosebumps.

Watari came up to me one rainy day, a look of concern scrawled upon his face. It was a mix of a scowl and frown, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and dismay. The lines seemed to grow much more prominent as the case continued. As I continued to spiral out of control.

"Ryuzaki." He cleared his throat, walking up behind me.

"Yes, Watari?" I kept my voice toneless, flat.

"You are not well. I can see that."

I froze and nearly dropped my tea. I grunted in response, hoping he would let me be. This only cause him to linger longer.

"It is Light-kun. I can see it in your eyes. When he walks into the room your mind clouds with emotion. He is damaging your success with this case, L-kun. Can you not see that?" He paused, waiting for my response.

I set my mouth into a fine line, plopping a single sugar cube into my tea. The sound echoed through the eerily quiet room. We remained silent for a bit.

_This can't be. Watari, of all people… It could be worse. It could have been Misa Amane or Yagami-kun…_

I looked up from the floor, expecting my guardian to still be planted to the floor, staring at me. The spot where he stood was empty; the door closing with the slightest click. I waited until I could hear his footsteps getting father away, until he left the building.

Anger boiled up inside of me. No… not anger. Shock? Disbelief? Frustration? No, none of those either. Something more powerful, yet subtle in sneaking upon me. I took my head in my hands, covering my mouth to stifle a scream tightening in the back of my throat.

_What is becoming of me? I am losing myself to… what? Emotion? Absolutely preposterous! I am L, the world's greatest detective. I've solved so many crimes and saved so many lives from the cruel hands of death! Emotion cannot stop me! How could I allow this to happen!_

Such nuisanceran through my veins, anger boiling hot and deadly. I slammed my head onto my desk, the impact of the pain numbing me.

Watari was right. I was losing myself; losing this case. All because of Light…. All because of an absurd fantasy that I had invented.

_Love is nothing but lies._

_A mere period of happiness_

_That almost always dies._

_Hope dwindles._

_Faith fades._

_What's worth fighting for?_

_To save yourself?_

_Or give it up for others?_

_Pointless is feeling._

_It only results in pain._

_Emotion is worthless._

_As is my name._


End file.
